impure_tale

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129

And of course a perfectly good walk is ruined by hard rain. Sometimes, the CES is just a little too real for my liking. The garden is coming along nicely, however. A bit balmy in there for my tastes, but there you have it.

[Private to Jack Harkness]

How are you feeling, cherub?

[Filtered to Colonel Sexby, Iago, and Judas Iscariot]

I believe a full discussion is in order, if everyone is able.

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I know you have that opinion, and I feel your opinion on the matter includes a refusal to accept that I still have to remain cautious for that and counsel him through it. He is not the same Iago now, but until some damage can be repaired I cannot ascertain whether those whims are gone from him entirely or if his current state, if and when rectified, might return him to older habits. You may disapprove of his actions and still love him, and that is the end of it. I, however, must still bring about results.

My point on the matter of emotions is that I was taken to task for my outburst, and rightly so, and that you, yourself, cannot expect not to see a response. I do not think we differ in that regard.

Judas, sir, calm yourself again, please. I do not think the Marquis was dismissive as you claim. I think he was actually making quite clear why he believes what he believes, and not expecting you to accept it but explaining himself. So, again, take a minute and consider this. It was not dismissive.

I do not see that he is being inconsistent, I think he understands as well as anyone that our emotions get the better of us at times, but his point, I believe, was that yours have consistently proved to do so, and usually in a public fashion which, as you have admitted to me yourself, has at least an element of attention seeking in it. The point I believe being made, or the point that should be being made, is that he is aware when his emotions have got the better of him - hence why he made a point of saying he was restrained and did not object, whereas you often present any objection to you letting your emotions get the better of you as an injustice.

At least, that is what I read of it, but I seriously ask you, once more, to step away and think for five minutes before writing again. Tis a simple task.

Sir.

[But indeed, there's another ten-minute gap and Judas wishes he could pace.]

What I am trying to say is that you stated above, Marquis, that my allowing my emotions to get the better of me was a reason why you believe me to be detrimental to Iago. But you just admitted yourself that you, too, allow yourself to be emotional. Doesn't this also mean that you could also be detrimental to Iago and that it isn't just me who could be negatively affecting him, in your opinion? I think it unjust and unfair to assume that I'm the only one who is detrimental because of my temper when you've shown similar outbursts, even if they aren't public. What I think unjust, though, is that because yours are out of the public eye, you can go on saying you aren't being detrimental to him and that I'm the only one causing him any harm here when you are guilty of the same things as I, but in a different forum.

I understand that it's your duty to bring him to graduation and I acknowledge this and that I do indeed have an intense temper, but if you want to only use what has happened between since we arrived back here and now, being without two functioning legs has made it considerably shorter and I feel unprotected and unsafe without the option of running should someone invade my room, as people have before in our home in Masterworld, which too was taken from us whether or not we deserved it in the first place. Iago is more than just the man I love, but a protector and guardian and without him at my side I feel even more insecure.

But you, Captain, I told that to you in confidence and in the thought that what I told you would remain private to you and me. Not to you, me, and whoever else you decided to tell.

Edited 2010-05-12 20:31 (UTC)

I have to differentiate who I am talking to in this conversation, Judas.

However, on the final point, you are correct. I should not have mentioned it, and I hold my hands up at having breached that. It was my mistake. I do apologise, I shall not breach that again.

I shall let the Marquis respond to the rest.

The fundamental difference between you and I, Monsieur Iscariot, is that, as your Warden has said, you are more consistently in this situation. I have lost control during extenuating circumstances, and I have been corrected. You, however, find yourself in this situation enough that I would personally be exhausted if it were me. And in my lifetime before coming here, I promise you, I was very similar at times, sometimes to greater extremes given my age. And I promise you that once I came here and learned to control it, I felt a good deal less miserable and more in control.

Edited 2010-05-12 20:52 (UTC)

But you haven't answered my question. So, I will repeat. Doesn't this also mean that you could also be detrimental to Iago and that it isn't just me who could be negatively affecting him, in your opinion? No matter how often, or not often it occurs? One event or encounter could affect someone just as greatly as a repeated one of a different variety.

Both of you saw how Jesus affected me. Whether or not He intended to help, His reaction to me, though once, had a greater effect than Sexby has, whether negative or positive. A repeated presence doesn't necessarily ensure a more lasting affect.

Edited 2010-05-12 20:57 (UTC)

Anytime that I have felt that my state could be harmful to Iago, I have made a point -- sometimes belatedly -- to remove myself from him and reflect. You will remember on your initial return that matters were handled more smoothly once we'd taken time away from one another.

Can you bring yourself to distance yourself from him if you feel that you might hinder his progress? Or have you become too dependent to allow it? And if you are so dependent, can you not acknowledge how this at least has the potential to be bad for the both of you?

Edited 2010-05-12 21:01 (UTC)

I have and did. For the week you requested of us. I answered every question and request but I felt that you made no effort to assure us that we would indeed see each other, even after that initial request for our separation was kept to.

There is where I appear to have been misunderstood. I did not, in the end, posit to you a week's restriction. That was the original deal, before Iago chose to openly go against the conditions. After that, and after time was taken for private discussion and meditation, I said that I would allow Iago to see you after his first day's service. I kept my word on that matter and saw to it personally that it happened. From there, I said that whatever I decided beyond that would be dependent upon how things went on after that.

And I thank you for allowing him to see me that night. But I read that 'dependent upon how things went' as a continued separation, hinging upon whether or not you felt we deserved to be with each other and only on your opinion, not if we were obedient or did as we were asked, which we did.

It was dependent upon a number of issues -- I wanted to see to it that I'd placed Iago correctly and that he was receiving no trouble in the kitchens, that he was dedicated to change, and that chiefly, he was occupied and not left to brood on the matter. And it is not dependent wholly upon my opinion; I would rather be in agreement with your Warden on these matters. This is something I have expressed to you, to Sexby, even to Iago.

First, I would appreciate that next time, this discussion does not center on my rehabilitation, rather than the issue at hand. This was supposed to be about visitation, was it not? It should have stayed on that topic.

Marquis, you told me that I would be able to have that unscheduled, unsupervised visitation after you spoke with Sexby, though you would have conditions. You never specified what they were. Perhaps now would be the time to do so.

Do not break your word to me, Marquis, simply because you had an argument with Judas. You are not simply hurting him, you are punishing me.

And, in the future, I would appreciate from both of you, Judas and Marquis, if you would not discuss so openly what I have spoken with either of you about. I will tell you both, in my own time, what needs to be said. Otherwise, there will be obvious miscommunication.

My conditions have been stated, Iago. One shift in the kitchen, stay occupied, maintain your continued communication with me, and tell me when the two of you will be visiting.

And that is all you choose to respond to.

Well, if those are the only conditions, then are we all finished here?

I apologize, Iago.

If everyone else is in agreement. And I expect the two of you to be on your best behavior, of course.

Aye, sir, that is fine by me.

Of course, Iago. Sorry.

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Re: Filter - I have to head off to class now.

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Filter- assume he's been fuming the whole time..

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